Dave Robinson gems

My old friend comes up with some old stories.


If you want something you’ve never had then you you’ve got to do something you’ve never done.


Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, Here's a few.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

And finally:
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

Two friends were arguing in a bar one day. Dave the first guy, was discussing how he knew everybody. He knew everyone, and everyone knew him. There wasn't a person that he hadn't met.
Paul, even though he was his good friend, didn't believe him. "Dave, you can't know everyone." He said. "I bet you don't know the Mayor."
Dave said, "Sure I do." He pulled out his cell phone and dialled a number. After a moment he said, "Hi, this is Dave. Could you tell my friend Paul here who you are?"
He hands the phone to Paul. The voice on the phone was unmistakably the Mayor, who said to Paul, "How's my old friend Dave treating you?" Paul was taken aback. He talked to the Mayor for a few moments before he handed the phone back.
"OK, you win that one. But I bet you don't know the President!" he challenged.
Dave smiled and dragged his friend out to the car. "We're going to DC." He said.
A few hours later, they pull up to the White House. The security guys immediately recognised Dave and let him through. Just then, the President came out of the front door walking his dog. Dave leaned out the window and waved. Then, to Paul's chagrin, the President walked right over to the car and talked with Dave for a good fifteen minutes.
Paul was starting to get a little perturbed. He figured that maybe Dave only knew people in the US. So he said, "I bet that you don't know the Pope...."
Dave just grinned and drove to the airport. The next day, they were standing outside the Pope's residence. Dave didn't think that he'd be able to get Paul in, since the security was so tight. But Paul agreed that if he saw the Pope and Dave together in the Pope's window, then he would admit that Dave really knew everyone.
A short while later, Dave walked out onto the balcony, arm in arm with the Pope. The Pope waved to the screaming crowds in the street. Dave looked down into the crowd, trying to find Paul . To his shock he saw his friend collapsed in an unconscious heap on the ground. He quickly rushed down to see what had happened to his friend.
"Paul , Paul !" Harvey shook his friend. "Are you ok?? What happened??"
"Yeah. I'm OK." he replied. "But that was quite a shock."
"What? When you saw me up there with the Pope?" Harvey asked.
"No," said Bob.
"It was when the guy next to me in the crowd said,
"Hey, who's that guy up there with Robbo?"

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ......... well yeah, I do as it happens!
S uit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.


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